


paint the town green

by lostinspxce



Series: Discord: Bellamione Coven St Patrick’s Day Event [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, St. Patrick's Day, This Is STUPID, bellatrix is here for a good time not a long time, crackfic? maybe, everyone is confused, everything is green, hermione is just hungry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-26 18:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30110070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinspxce/pseuds/lostinspxce
Summary: Hermione and Narcissa wake up on St Patrick’s Day and realises that all their food has inexplicably been turned green.Prompt 8: All the food in the Wizarding World has been turned green. Even the bread.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Narcissa Black Malfoy
Series: Discord: Bellamione Coven St Patrick’s Day Event [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2215677
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	paint the town green

Hermione frowned as she opened the packet of bread, only to find the first slice completely green. She rubbed her eyes, thinking it was a trick of the light or a result of having just woken up, but no. The bread was indeed green. 

In fact, the entire loaf was somehow green, which she discovered after taking every slice out of the packet. Hermione furrowed her brow, swearing to herself that she had only bought that loaf the day before. Surely it couldn’t be moldy already? 

Minutes later, Narcissa found Hermione in the same position, staring down at the slices of bread now scattered all over the table. 

“Hermione? What are you doing?” 

“The bread’s green,” Hermione said simply. 

Narcissa blinked, unsure if she had heard correctly. “The- Pardon?” 

“The bread,” Hermione repeated, giving her wife a puzzled look, “It’s green.”

“But you only bought it yesterday?” 

“That’s what I thought. But it doesn’t look moldy. Just… green.” 

Narcissa, now wearing an equally confused expression, moved to get a closer look. “Curious,” she mumbled. 

“Well, I suppose toast is out of the question now.” Hermione shrugged, gathering up the slices again. 

She grabbed a box of cereal from the cupboard instead, not quite bothered to make anything complicated for breakfast. After pouring the cereal into her bowl, though, it seemed that uncomplicated was out of the question entirely. 

“What on earth…?” Hermione sighed. 

“Is… Is _everything_ green?” Narcissa asked, glancing at the carton of milk Hermione had taken out. 

“It seems like it.” Hermione, practically reading Narcissa’s thoughts, poured the milk into her cereal. Sure enough, that too was green. 

The two witches stared at each other, the same questions running through both of their minds. How did this happen? Who did it? And why did they do it? 

In the end, it was Narcissa who remembered the date and she sighed, knowing _exactly_ who might have done it. 

“A St Patrick’s Day prank?” she guessed.

Hermione glanced at the calendar and nodded. “Oh, that could be it. But who would…” A raised eyebrow from Narcissa was enough for her to catch on. “...Bella. Of course. I should have known.”

“Alright. Let’s get dressed. Looks like we have revenge to plan,” Narcissa said with a wink. 

“I love the way you think,” Hermione chuckled. 

Both witches stepped out of Bellatrix’s fireplace, Narcissa instantly calling out for her sister. Bellatrix appeared moments later, looking like she had just rolled out of bed. Her hair was all over the place and she was squinting against the light streaming in through the window. 

“Cissa, I swear to Merlin, there had better be a good reason for you to be waking me up at this ungodly hour,” she grumbled. 

“It’s ten o’clock,” Hermione deadpanned. 

“Disgusting,” Bellatrix said, shaking her head, “Far too early.” 

“We just came to ask why all of our food has been turned green?” Narcissa asked. 

“Green? You woke me up because your food is green? Merlin, it’s a good thing I love you both,” Bellatrix muttered, “I have no idea. Have you forgotten to do the shopping?” 

“No. I did it yesterday,” Hermione answered, “Do you really not know why?”

“Why would I know anything about the colour of your food?” 

“Please. You’re always playing pranks like this,” Narcissa pointed out. 

Bellatrix shrugged, unable to deny it. “That is true. However, I had nothing to do with this.” 

Narcissa raised an eyebrow, looking skeptical. “Really?” 

“Yes! Do you really think I would get up in the middle of the night just to do that?” Bellatrix scoffed. ”No prank is worth losing my precious sleep.”

Narcissa hummed, not entirely convinced, but she let it go. Hermione, still hungry, made her way to Bellatrix’s kitchen to make toast. 

“Green!” she cried, “It’s bloody green.” 

“What’s that, darling?” Narcissa called back. 

Hermione emerged from the kitchen holding two slices of green bread and an exasperated expression. 

“What the fuck?” Bellatrix asked, taking the bread from her to inspect it. 

“That’s… odd,” Narcissa remarked. 

“Is it just the bread?” 

“No. I think it’s everything.” 

“Is it safe to eat?” 

“I don’t know. But I’m not sure I would risk- And you’ve already- Okay then.” Hermione shook her head in disbelief as Bellatrix took a bite. 

Hermione and Narcissa both watched in anticipation, wondering what would happen, if anything. 

Bellatrix just shrugged and took another bite. “Seems safe.”

“How can you be sure?” Hermiome asked. 

“Well, I’m not dead, am I?” 

“Not yet,” Narcissa muttered.

Bellatrix gave her the middle finger and continued to eat her bread. 

“Why are you still eating that?” Narcissa asked, scrunching up her nose in disgust. 

“What?” Bellatrix shrugged. “It’s good bread.” 

“It’s _green_!”

“Says the Slytherin.” 

“Just because our house colour is green, doesn’t mean I’m willing to eat green food.” 

“Do you not eat vegetables…?” Bellatrix raised an eyebrow. 

Narcissa paused. “That’s different! Those are supposed to be green. Bread, cereal, milk, and Merlin knows what else, are most definitely not supposed to be green.” 

“Just try it!” Bellatrix held out the second slide, urging Narcissa to take it. “Fine, suit yourself,” she added when her sister refused. 

“Okay, well, if Bella didn’t do it, then who did?” Narcissa asked, still eyeing the bread cautiously. 

Hermione shrugged. “Andy, maybe?” 

Narcissa hummed in thought. “I wouldn’t put it past her?” 

“Wait,” Bellatrix drawled, “Your food was turned green and you blamed me _first_?” 

Narcissa and Hermione glanced at each other. “Er… yes…” 

A slow grin grew on Bellatrix’s face. “Well, I must say, I’m honoured.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Narcissa chuckled, “Are you coming to Andy’s or not?” 

“Oh, of course I am. There’s no way I’m missing this.” 

“Not even for your ‘precious sleep’?” Hermione teased.

“That… comes in very close second to seeing whatever revenge Cissa will come up with for Andy,” Bellatrix admitted, “Just let me get dressed.” 

And so, the three of them Floo’d to Andromeda’s house to get answers. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t find any there, either.

Andromeda and Ted were already in the kitchen, surrounded by various foods, all of which had been turned green. 

“Salazar. You too?” Narcissa asked. 

“What’s going on?” Andromeda asked. “The food is all-“

“-Green, yes, we’ve established that,” Bellatrix finished. 

“How-“

“We don’t know,” Narcissa sighed. “Mione and I thought it was Bella, then we thought it was you, but clearly not.”

“This is crazy,” Andromeda said, prodding a strawberry. 

Hermione drew her wand and aimed it at the strawberry, muttering “Finite Incantatem”. However, it remained green. 

“It’s all fine,” Ted said calmly, “There’s an easy fix. Why don’t we all head to the shop and buy some normal food?” 

“As long as we get to eat something,” Hermione mumbled as her stomach growled. 

“I told you, the food is fine!” Bellatrix insisted. 

“You actually ate it?” Andromeda asked. 

“Of course I did.” 

“Of course you did. Because why _wouldn’t_ you eat the mysterious green food that could potentially be harmful?” 

“I haven’t died yet!” 

“Keyword being ‘yet’.” 

Narcissa gestured at Andromeda, shooting Bellatrix a smug look. “That’s exactly what I said.”

Bellatrix waved a hand vaguely. “I’ll be fine,” she drawled, “Are we going or not?” 

“I thought you hated food shopping,” Hermione commented.

“And why do you need to buy food if you insist that the green food is perfectly fine?” Narcissa added. 

“Alright, you two-“ Bellatrix pointed between them, narrowing her eyes. “-Can stop ganging up on me. Maybe I just want to spend time with my family, whom I love dearly and-“ 

“Really?” Andromeda deadpanned.

“Okay, fine. I just want to see how this plays out. I mean, what if we’re not the only ones this happened to?” 

Andromeda furrowed her brow. “You really think someone would have gone to the trouble of going to more than three houses in the middle of the night just to turn everyone’s food green for St Patrick’s Day?” 

“Is there even anybody who has access to the three of our Floos? Never mind ours _and_ anyone else’s?” Ted asked. 

Narcissa shook her head. “Other than family? Nobody has access to all three.”

“Exactly,” Bellatrix said, ”So it could be a bigger problem than we think.” 

“I think you might be right,” Hermione agreed. 

“Alright,” Narcissa sighed, preparing herself for yet another journey, “Let’s go then.” 

As it turned out, Bellatrix had been correct. None of them had ever seen the shop so packed before. It seemed like everyone in Wizarding London was there. And they were all in the same situation as the Black family. 

Unfortunately for them, that meant there was no normally coloured food in the shop either. Looking around at all the confused faces, it was clear that nobody knew what was going on. That was until the Blacks ran into the Weasleys. 

“Arthur! Please tell me you know something about all this?” Andromeda pleaded, all of them desperate for answers at this stage. 

“It’s a long story,” Arthur sighed, “The short of it is an Irish wizard got a little too caught up in pre-St Patrick’s Day celebrations and lost a bet with a Leprechaun.”

“And he bet the entire Wizarding world’s food?” Ted asked. “Why on earth?” 

“You know the Irish,” Arthur shrugged, “Once they get the drink into them… Anything could happen.” 

“Bloody Irish,” Ron muttered. 

“It’s one hell of a prank, if you ask me,” George shrugged. 

“Absolutely brilliant,” Fred agreed, “Wish I’d thought of it myself.”

“Do you have any idea when it’ll be fixed?” Narcissa asked. 

“And is it safe to eat?” Andromeda added, glancing at Bellatrix. 

“Yes, it’s perfectly safe. Just a simple colouring spell.”

“Told you I wouldn’t die,” Bellatrix said smugly. 

“The only problem,” Arthur continued, “Is that Leprechaun magic is far different than our own. Nobody has been able to get close to them for long enough to study it, so we don’t know how to reverse the spell. I suppose we’ll all be eating green food until we can figure out how to fix it.” 

“Salazar,” Narcissa sighed. 

Bellatrix chuckled and elbowed her in the ribs. “Guess you’ve got no choice now, Cissa.” 

“You know what... Fuck it. It’s St Patrick’s Day. The food fits the theme. We might as well do something to celebrate. Who’s free tonight? Everyone could come to ours for a St Patrick’s Day feast and drinks?”

“An entirely green feast?” Bellatrix hummed. “Sounds fun.”

“It wouldn’t be any different to a normal feast,” Andromeda pointed out. 

“Have many green feasts, do you?” Bellatrix retorted. 

Andromeda just shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose in exasperation. 

So, that evening, the Blacks, the Weasleys, and the Potters all gathered together for an appropriately coloured St Patrick’s Day feast. Even Narcissa had to admit that the colour made no difference to the taste, much to Bellatrix’s delight. 

In the end, it took the Ministry two weeks to find another Leprechaun, and nearly the entire day to convince him to reverse it - from what Hermione heard, it cost the Ministry a fairly large sum of Galleons.

**Author's Note:**

> join the Bellamione Coven Discord (we have channels for cissamione and andromione!!)  
> [come to the dark side. we have cookies](https://discord.gg/rAKhWJQ)


End file.
